Revelations

There are things that people say about us that we never see.  For example, my husband thinks I’m beautiful.  I think I’m pretty cute, but beautiful?  No.  I don’t see that, but I know he thinks it by the way he looks at me.  I’ve often thought about what’s going to happen when I die.  What will people say about me?  What legacy am I leaving?  What unique qualities do I have that will be brought up at the funeral?  I’m pretty outspoken, but what convictions do I really have?  So, I started thinking about who I am and what I’m really about.  Every once in a while, I will be posting revelations about myself as I realize them.  Here’s what I’ve gathered so far:

1. I hate music first thing in the morning.  It puts me in a bad mood, I get a really short temper, and the day rarely ends well.  This is very strange because I teach music and I do musical theatre.  So, it’s not what you’d expect, but it is the truth.

2. I often question the choices I’ve made in my life.  In fact, I think about the past constantly and wonder how different my life would be if I had decided to stay in New York, or go to college, or stay in New Mexico, or not buy this house.  However, the question flies out of my head when I get one of those “I love my life” moments with my daughters.  These happen often enough to where I’m generally a very happy person.  But on the bad days, I do daydream about all the possibilities I once had in my life.

3. My memory is ridiculously good.  I remember elementary school like it was yesterday.  I can name every teacher I ever had.  I can tell you where I went on every first date.  I remember the last song to every dance I went to.  In some cases, I can tell you what I was wearing, along with everyone around me.  This is a good and bad thing.  It’s upsetting when I have a very vivid memory that altered my life course, but the person involved doesn’t remember a thing.  There’s not a better way to feel unimportant.  It’s great, though, when traveling down Memory Lane with a good friend and we are both reminded of our youth and what a wonderful childhood we had.

4. I love trashy TV, but I draw the line at The Jersey Shore.  However, I love me some Real Housewives.  Which is worse?

5. I would be the best rich person in the world.  I’ve already got all the love with my family – I’m only missing the money.  I would be generous and appreciate it more than anyone.

6. I want to do many things when I grow up.  I want to be a psychologist, political analyst, Oprah Winfrey, author – I realize I’m grown up now, but I still dream.

OK, so that’s all the revelations for now.  Overall, I’m happy with my life and thankful for all the blessings.  But I am one of those “the grass is always greener” people.  Oh, one more revelation.

7. I wish I wasn’t a “the grass is always greener” person.

Wow – is anyone reading this?

Alright, this post is to acknowledge that I have not written since 2009.  It is now the end of 2010.  This is unacceptable.  I know this.  Here is a quick list of what’s happened since we lost our little Gracie.

1. We lost our other dog Bobo

2. We had a new baby (I shall call her Munchkin)

3. We got 2 new dogs (Bower and Chloe – we’re big 24 fans)

4. I lost my job

5. I started my own business

6. I’m still very much a Democrat, although I don’t like the party too much.  However, if I had to choose the alternative, I think I’d move to Canada.

 

And there you have it.  All caught up?  Great.

Goodbye to a wonderful girl

In an earlier post, I talked about our big dog Gracie pooping blood.  Two weeks went by and she seemed to be alright, until this past week.

 

On Wednesday, we noticed that Gracie was really lethargic and seemed to be breathing heavily even though she was just resting.  The Hubby decided to stay home and take her to the vet.  They did x-rays and discovered that her heart was enlarged.  They wanted us to take her to Gulf Coast Veterinary Specialists.  I met the Hubby at the vet and we took Gracie down there.  Dr. Heald discovered that her heart was beating about 3 times the normal speed.  He was very attentive and sexplained it to us for about a half hour.  He drew a diagram of the heart and showed us that Gracie’s upper chambers were not working with her lower chambers and because it was beating so fast, there wasn’t enough time for the heart to fill with blood.  So instead of a smooth flow of blood, it was going off in spurts.  He described her heart as “quivering” instead of “beating.”  He said they needed to keep her overnight and try different medications to slow her heart down.  We left our Gracie there, knowing she was in the best possible care.  The doctor called throughout the night to give us updates.  They also discovered what could be tumors in her kidney and liver.  He said it was a much more serious situation – the heart was just the tip of the iceberg.  We prayed that Gracie would make it through the night so that we could see her at least one more time.

 

On Thursday, we went back up to the hospital.  We spent time with her, but that got her too excited and they were still having trouble slowing her heart down.  All the regular medications weren’t working and they were running out of options.  Since we couldn’t be with Gracie, we stayed on that side of town and wandered around aimlessly.  At about 1 pm, we got a call from Dr. Heald tellign us that the medicines weren’t working.

 

We went back to the vet and got to visit with her again.  The doctor got on the floor with us as we pet Gracie.  We discussed the quality of life and talked about what an amazing pet Gracie was.  The doctor knew and said that the entire staff was absolutely in love with her.  If we treated the lymphoma (it was definitely tumors on her kidney and liver and they most likely made microscopic deposits in the heart), we would do more damage to an already damaged heart.  If we took her home to live out her days there, she wouldn’t have lasted long since Gracie would get excited even if a fly flew by.  We couldn’t put her through any more trials to slow her heart down.  It wasn’t fair to Gracie and nothing was working.  We made the painful decision to let her go.  We had a lot of time with her before they did it and Gracie was showered with thanks and love and hugs and kisses.  She gave us kisses and looked in our eyes as if she understood what was happening.  Dr. Heald came back and gave her the overdose of barbiturates.  Even as she was passing, she was still showering the Hubby with kisses as he held her.  Needless to say, we are devastated.

 

Our house does not feel like a home anymore without Gracie there, but every day, it gets a little easier to bare.  We see her everywhere – in the scratched walls, the half-chewed corner of the entertainment center, the hair that has gathered on the stairs, the blinds that are torn up because she wanted to see when we came home, and in the couch where we used to cuddle.  We realized when we came home that she was our shadow.  I find myself looking down so I don’t step on her whenever I’m in the kitchen.  Life will never be the same.  She will always be remembered and treasured.  Anyone who knew Gracie knew that she had so much love to give (sometimes too much).  It was not shocking her heart was too big.  She was a great mommy to the Bugaboo – very protective and playful.  It’s a shame because Bugaboo was just starting to really play with the dogs and she and Gracie would have so much fun.  We have another dog Bobo and he’s starting to feel it.  We’re trying to give him a lot of attention and love.  On Saturday night, he started getting a little needy and he’s been leaving “presents” around the house.  I’m going to talk to the vet today about getting another dog – how long do we wait for Bobo’s sake?  He’d gotten used to having a companion.  I’ll let you know what they say.  It tears me up because Bobo knew Gracie better than anybody.

 

We picked out a beautiful marker for her that will have her picture on it.  We’ll put that in our backyard.  One of the selling points of the house was that backyard for Gracie.  It was so big and we pictured her running and playing all over it, only to find out that she preferred to be in the house with us.  We’re having her cremated and will have her ashes in an appropriate urn we found that will be kept on the piano – where she would always listen to us play.

 

We lost a great pet, but now God has one of his angels back.  If not all dogs go to Heaven, Gracie definitely made it through, scratching at the pearly gates and making St. Peter shout, “Get out the paint!”

Nothing

It’s been a while since I posted and there are so many things running through my head that I need to post!

 

First off, the Super Bowl was wonderful.  I wish the Cardinals had won, but oh well.  The best part was after the Super Bowl when a special one-hour episode of The Office aired.  It was one of the funniest ones yet.  And I also got teary eyed – moments were utterly painful.  If it was your first time to watch, then it was a great intro into Office life.  It was painful, uncomfortable – just plain wonderful!  Did anyone see it?

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Next, my dear friend Patrick sent me Milk to watch over the weekend and we watched it Friday night with Brandon.  I love the way it was filmed – it looked like it was straight out of the 70s.  However, I really didn’t care for the movie, which surprised me!  I love every actor in it, the story fascinates me, and yet I felt nothing watching the movie.  I feel that there was a lot that could be edited out.  And then there was a lot more that could be expanded.  It also felt incredibly long.  Granted, we took three or more breaks during the movie, but that’s not a good thing!  I don’t agree that it should be up for as many awards as it is.  Having said that, the performances are wonderful and Sean Penn as always is at the top of his game.

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On Thursday night, our dog Gracie got sick.  Gracie is a huge dog – please see pic below:

Anyway, she started shitting blood.  No joke.  I looked it up online and they said it’s fairly common in dogs.  I have never seen this!  It wasn’t tons of blood, so we decided not to take her to the emergency vet, but take her to our vet Friday morning.  We woke up on Friday to a blood bath.  DISGUSTING!  Poor little angel.  We took her to the vet.  They said it could’ve been anything – stress, something she ate, constipation – anything.  They gave her special food, a shot, and antibiotics for a week.  We haven’t had an instance since.

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This weekend, we got Hubby an Xbox 360 for his birthday.  We also got Guitar Hero World Tour, Guitar Hero Aerosmith, Gears of War, and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  I’d say we cleaned up.  Well, while we were at Best Buy picking all this up, I had an incredible moment with Bugaboo.  I was distracted by something and I caught her out of the corner of my eye staring at me (she was in the shopping cart).  I looked at her and she had this really peaceful look on her face.  She was staring into my eyes like never before.  She had a half-smile.  Of course, my heart started melting.  I felt like she was telling me how much she loved me.  She looked so incredibly happy.  It’s like that moment you realize you love someone – she had THAT face.  I smiled at her and we were about an inch apart.  Then she leaned forward a little more, puckered up, moaned for a kiss, and that was that.  It was honestly one of the best moments I’ve had as a mother.  Highlight of my year right there.

 

With that, I conclude my Seinfeld-like post about nothing.  Well, nothing and a precious little girl.

Little Women

This past weekend, I was cast as Jo March in Little Women the Musical at Country Playhouse.  I’m VERY excited about this.  Since having a baby, I allow myself one show a year – and the show has got to be worth my time away from the hubby and the bugaboo.  Very few of these shows exist, but this is one of them.  The part is absolutely fantastic and it will be a major challenge.  Jo is in the entire show except for 2 scenes and she has a million songs.  I’m not worried, though.  The director and cast are truly remarkable and I will be surrounded by inspiration.

 

In case you might know people, the cast includes:

Louis Crespo, Lori Davis, John Dunn, Ilich Guardiola, Morgan MacInnes, Manny Mones, Monica Passley, Johanna Payton, Elizabeth Taylor (no, not that one), and Holland Vavra.  It’s directed by O’Dell Hutchison and the musical director is Claudia Dyle.

 

Come out and see!  It runs April 3-April 18!!

Revolutionary Road

I saw Revolutionary Road this past Saturday and let me tell you – that was one of the best movies I’ve seen.  That’s not to say that it was happy and left me with a warm feeling in my heart.  Quite the opposite, actually.  The story was tragic and heartbreaking.  It was some of the finest acting I’ve seen come out of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio.  And Sam Mendes is a directing God.  It has the same quiet intensity that American Beauty possessed.  He directs in a style that is slow-moving and it builds without you even realizing it.  The movie had a claustrophobic feel that totally worked for the storyline.

 

The Hubby and I had “the talk” beforehand.  Are you happy with your life?  Do you think Bugaboo and I have held you back in any way?  Are you satisfied with your choices?  Luckily, the movie did not have the effect I thought it would.  I thought I wouldn’t be able to go to sleep because I’d be thinking about how I’m not fulfilling my dreams.  In fact, I realized that I am fulfilling my dreams.  I’m with a very supportive husband who loves me completely, I have a little girl who makes me smile every day, and I live in a great area and have great friends.  I have a full time job, but have the freedom to fulfill my creative side.  I don’t feel stifled at all.  However, these people absolutely broke my heart because there was no doubt that they were good people, but they got caught up in the “supposed to’s” and didn’t pay enough attention to how it was killing the other person.  The warning signs were spread throughout the movie and you knew what it would come to in the end.  No one can play regret like DiCaprio.  And no one can play utter depression like Winslet.  The movie is brilliant, but not one you’ll see a million times.  It’s like saying you “enjoyed” Schindler’s List.  You can’t “enjoy” that movie.  You can respect it and it’s place in cinematic history, but I don’t think you’ll be watching it on repeat.  Same goes for Road.  It makes you realize that being HEARD in a marriage is probably the most important thing.  Go out and see this immediately.

Nutritional Guide

Bugaboo eats all kinds of things at her daycare.  Pancakes, waffles, or cheese toast in the mornings; vanilla wafers or animal crackers for snacks; mac & cheese, hot dogs, fish sticks, or chicken nuggets for lunch.  Milk is served all day.  There’s also plenty of fruits and vegetables with each of these meals.  At home, we feed her pretty much the same things, except we might throw in a glass of juice here or there.  I would say, the child eats pretty well!  I mean, she gets all the nutrients she needs, she LOVES her vegetables, and fruit is like chocolate to her.  What more could a baby need, right???  Well, according to Gerber.com, we are sucking on the feeding.

 

I checked it out this morning for my friend Cathy b/c she was unsure when to move on to 2nd Foods for her little boy.  I noticed there was a spot on there for “toddlers.”  According to them, we should be giving our child whole wheat everything, reduced fat milk, and low fat yogurt.  WHAT?!?!  Aren’t kids supposed to have the whole milk with the white bread?  And low fat yogurt?  You’ve got to be kidding me!  I was reading this and immediately thought, “Oh my gosh, my child is not getting enough iron or grains or anything!  I’m failing as a parent!!”  I even wrote the hubby with a new meal plan and a grocery list.  Hubby asked me to wait a bit before buying all new food (we just stocked up on Gerber Graduate meals).  He says it was to save money, but perhaps it was b/c he thinks his wife’s crazy.  And I have to admit: Gerber sucked me in, but I’m out now.

 

My little Bugaboo is a healthy child who gets to enjoy her whole milk and white bread.  Everyone I know enjoyed that as a child.  I’m not going to worry about low fat anything with my 15-month-old toddler.  We don’t need to start a complex so young in life.  She has a great appetite, she loves fruits and vegetables, and she’s willing to try just about anything.  Sure, her favorites are peanut butter & jelly sandwiches or cheese ravioli, but why not let her enjoy those things as long as she’s able?!

 

In other news, my friend had her baby and she’s cute.  Whew!

Random thoughts

Last night, we watched the football game between Texas and Ohio State.  It was a great game.  I fell asleep in the second half, but I woke up to Hubby screaming when Texas got a touchdown with 16 seconds left.  I was as happy as I could be considering the fact that I’d been sleeping for an hour.

 

I wrote Bugaboo’s doctor today.  She sleeps at LEAST 12 hours a night and takes a 2 hour nap during the day, sometimes more.  On the weekends, she’ll sleep a good 14 hours at night.  While I know we should be grateful for this, I couldn’t help thinking that maybe something was wrong!  So, I wrote the doc and she said that as long as Bugaboo was alert and active when she’s awake, then I should enjoy the extra time that we get without a baby around us.  So, that’s what we’ll do.  Actually, we already do that.  When Bugaboo goes to sleep, that’s when Rock Band comes out, or Weeds gets turned on, or the Hubby and I get it on. 

 

The blessings I’m counting today are easy:

1. Bugaboo’s sleeping habits are awesome.

2. My friend Patrick is sending me Revolutionary Road.

3. Tonight we’re having Chicken Tetrazzini – one of my favorites!

4. Cathy asked me to be Jackson’s Godmother.

5. Texas won.

 

Speaking of Cathy and me being the Godmother, I’m so honored.  Honestly.  I know what a big deal this is.  When Hubby and I were picking the Godparents for Bugaboo, we put a lot of thought into it and eventually decided that I would choose the Godmother (with his approval) and he would choose the Godfather (with my approval).  For the next child, it will be reversed.  Cathy’s the Godmother to 2 other children besides my little one.  She has many great friends, so for me to be chosen as a spiritual guide (for lack of a better word) for her little one is just awesome.  We’ve been best friends for about 14 years now and now we’re each the Godmothers to the other’s first born.  Awesome.

 

This was just a post of random tidbits going on in my life.  Tomorrrow, let one of my blessings be that my mind is more organized. 

The Reader

Last Friday, Hubby and I had to decide which movie to see.  Were we going to see Benjamin Button or The Reader?  We REALLY wanted to see Revolutionary Road, but it wasn’t playing anywhere near us (is it playing anywhere???).  The deciding factor was time: Button was 3 hours and The Reader was 2.  There you have it.

 

I can understand why Kate Winslet is nominated for this.  It’s amazing to think that this woman, who is so glamorous and beautiful in real life, could make herself so plain and pitiful in this movie.  It’s about a love affair that took place between her at the age of 30-something and a 15-year-old boy.  It happened over a summer and then she disappeared.  She came into his life years later when he was a law student and she was on trial for heinous crimes committed during WWII.  She was a Nazi guard and had let an entire group of Jews burn in a church they were sleeping in.  She loved when her boy toy read to her and you finally figured out that she couldn’t read.  The situation in the church was not entirely her fault, but she took the blame for it instead of admitting her secret.  The acting was brilliant, but this is a rental.  It was pretty depressing.

 

And there you have my 2 cents.

Count your blessings

The New Year has been alright so far.  Because I’m Clark Griswold, I of course expected it to be much better than it is.  Here is what I have accomplished in this New Year:

* I have found that I like and am actually good at some instruments on Rock Band

* I have celebrated the birthday of one of my oldest friends

* I have seen a new movie and I’ve watched a TV show that friends have been telling me to watch

That’s about it.  It’s not terribly shabby considering we’re on Day 5.  One particular day, I was in a crabby mood and decided that I needed to start counting my blessings.  I once had a journal that was called “Count Your Blessings” and each day, you were supposed to list 5 blessings in your life.  They can be anything.  Even the smallest things like rain or a cup of coffee.  My life could be MUCH worse, so I need to remember to be grateful for all the little things I have.  Here are my 5 blessings today (in no particular order):

1. I get to play Rock Band tonight.

2. I remembered to put clothes out last night for today and didn’t have to stress when dressing this morning.

3. I got to visit with my old boss this morning.

4. My office is more organized for the New Year.

5. Today is Christina’s 30th birthday.

5 things for me to remember when Emma starts crying or I can’t get  a program to work or I realize I forgot my sunglasses (DAMN IT!).  5 small things that will make me smile throughout the day.